The information contained below is for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken serious or replicated in any form.

Hate your job? Would you like enough FU money to never work again? You’re in luck. Learn how to Cheap Bastard your way to financial freedom and never have to work again!

Before I give you my best cheap bastard secrets….. just what exactly is a cheap bastard?

Cheap Bastard Definition:

Someone who has *good* economic status that pays for as little as possible, often blurring the line between right and wrong.

What exactly is *good* economic status? It means you have MORE than enough money that you don’t need to be cheap, but you are.

Let’s start with a few examples.

You might be a Cheap Bastard if…

  1. Your friends refer to you by any of these names: thrifty, cost-conscience, bargain-hunter, miserly, frugal, penny-pinching, close-fisted, ungenerous, tightfisted, stingy, economical, or parsimonious. Sure, some of those words don’t mean you’re a Cheap Bastard…but your friends might be sugar-coating their feedback.
  2. If you’re willing to pick up pennies off the ground.
  3. You are at the grocery store and want to buy some Popcorn. You notice the price is $3.19 and it normally costs $2.99. You slowly return the Popcorn back to the shelf and back away. That $0.19 adds up.
  4. You decline all social events because you don’t want to pay for someone else’s expensive entree choice and extra glass of wine when it comes time to “split” the check. Plus, you abhor most of the activities your friends are into.
  5. Your friends take you out on your birthday and insist on buying you top shelf liquor and lobster. Who are you to refuse such generosity?
  6. The pizza delivery guy brings too many pepper flakes and Parmesan cheese packets and you spend the next 10 minutes emptying those tiny little bags into your existing bottles.
  7. You find expired fancy chocolates on eBay at an already reduced price and then “make an offer” for a fraction of the price. Your dinner guests will never know the difference.
  8. You invite your date over to your house promising to watch a “blockbuster film.” Then you borrow a free copy of the Gladiator with Russell Crowe circa 2000 from the local library to play on your console TV.
  9. You re-use the same tinsel every year on your Christmas Tree.
  10. You’ve stopped getting invited to any activity and no longer have any friends.

My best Cheap Bastard secrets to attain financial freedom

Being a Cheap Bastard can extend to all parts of your life. Entertainment? Check. Shopping? Why not? Saving money at home? We’re on it!

Cheap Bastard Home Hacks

  1. Save on electricity by unplugging all your appliances. You don’t want any extra electricity leaking out of the outlets and increasing your bill.
  2. Turn off all the lights in the house, even if your loved ones complain.
  3. Save money on soap, electricity and water by only washing your bed sheets once every 4 – 8 weeks. Bonus: Dry-clean your bedspread every 4-5 years instead of annually.
  4. DIY everything. Who cares if you know nothing about electric wiring, plumbing or roof repair? There’s a free YouTube video for that.

Cheap Bastard Kitchen Hacks

  1. Save money on paper plates by using the same plate multiple times. Sure, there will be a few food stains and it might be a little fragile in some places, but you can always put a real plate underneath to prop it up.
  2. Ever get too many napkins in your take-out food from the drive-thru? Throw those babies in your napkin bin. Who cares if they’re a little crinkled or have a bit of fry grease on them.
  3. Add water to your bottles of juice. You’ll hardly notice a difference and find the bottle of apple juice will last twice as long. While we’re diluting products, why not try soda, soups, milk, and heck any food liquids.
  4. Save on kitchen soap by rinsing off pan lids and putting them straight away. No need to waste soap on those bad-boys.
  5. Ziploc bags are expensive. Re-use them by washing them out and tucking them away for a rainy day.
  6. Similar to Ziploc bags, plastic garbage bags are getting ridiculously expensive. Turn your free produce bags from the store into mini-garbage bags. (Bonus if you add empty bread bags along with the produce bags.) They’re convenient, can rest on your counter for ease of use and did I mention they’re freeeeeeee? Ignore the naysayers that say you shouldn’t have a garbage sack on your counter. After all, who needs to spend good money on a proper garbage can?

Cheap Bastard Bathroom Hacks

  1. Tired of buying shampoo or liquid face soap? Product dilution for the win, again! Depending on the product, a 30/70 water to product ratio, or even 50/50 split for really concentrated products will work wonders.
  2. Hang up a sign next to your toilet paper to “fold” instead of “wad.” Studies have shown you’ll use less toilet paper and so will your guests.
  3. Cleaning products are expensive. DIY your own cleaning products with help from YouTube.

Cheap Bastard Entertainment Hacks

  1. Are you still going out to dinner for special occasions? Pad your wallet by spending 10-20% less by ditching dinner and hitting up happy hours, lunch spots or early morning breakfast specials. $3.99 pancake special anyone?
  2. Alcohol at restaurants is getting out of control. $8 for a rum and coke? Heck no. Stick a few small bottles of liquor in your pocket and order a $2.50 coke with free refills instead.
  3. Hitting up a matinee at your bargain movie theater? No need to buy a $5 box of skittles, that’s what hidden jacket pockets are for.
  4. Find restaurants that give a discount for paying in cash. Ignore the looks on your friends faces when you ask for a separate check to save 10%. They’re the real suckers.
  5. Is it a free day at your local national park? Don’t be shy, $30 for a day pass is crazy expensive.

Cheap Bastard Shopping Hacks

  1. Never, I repeat never buy anything without a coupon. What if the product never has a coupon? Don’t buy it. Only suckers pay full price.
  2. Did you forget to bring your reusable shopping bags? No, sweat. Use the shopping cart to get the goods to your car and make multiple trips on the other side. No sense in wasting 5 – 15 cents on a bag that should be free.
  3. Looking for used goods on Craiglist or eBay? Haggling is a lost art. Offer at least 30% less than the seller is asking. Bonus if they’re moving, getting divorced or need to “liquidate fast.” They are 100 times more likely to settle on a much cheaper price. Super bonus: Resell it on eBay later to turn a profit.
  4. Did Netflix just raise your membership $2? F that. Cancel your membership and spend more time at your BFF’s house or the local library.

Cheap Bastards get more by complaining about everything.

  1. Did your food come out cold at a restaurant? Talk your way into a free dessert. Better yet? When it’s busy, tell the waiter you ordered no tomatoes after your sandwich comes out and that you’re allergic. Watch them squirm as you get free stuff lavished upon you.
  2. Did the bread you bought from the store taste stale? Eat a few pieces to make sure and then return it to get a fresh loaf.
  3. Did you buy ice-cream and feel like it didn’t have enough chocolate chips? Write the manufacturer and most likely score some free stuff.

Need extra cash?

  1. Instead of donating or trashing your old items, make sure you list them on eBay instead. Who cares if the pants are a little frayed at the bottom? You might get $5 bucks for them.
  2. Scour eBay and Craigslist for arbitrage opportunities. Find a few blenders for a cheap price? First, offer the seller less. Then sell the blender parts individually and make more money then selling it as one unit. Who cares how long it takes? Time is no issue when you’re making money on eBay.
  3. Start churning those credit card and new saving account offers. Make $100 – $600 fast by signing up for a new account and then closing it immediately after you get your bonus.
  4. Scour the streets after hours by near-by bars. Drunk people are always dropping cash or other usable items. Bonus: If you find their cell-phone, charge them a “return/inconvenience fee” for bringing it back to them.

How much can being a Cheap Bastard save me anyway?

You’re probably wondering how much money you can really save being a cheap bastard and how fast you can get to retiring. Here’s a few examples.


The average annual cost of heating your house in Massachusetts with Electric Heat is $4,606. That’s $383 a month. Ahh hell no. That’d never do. This stylish warm fleece onesie will keep you warm and snuggly so you can leave that environment destroying heater safely in the off position. Don’t forget to warn your guests to bring a hat and gloves when they head over for your free library entertainment. Your family may not understand, but your Cheap Bastard friends will.

Savings: $4,606 – $100 (prices vary) = $4,506 average savings per year.


The average cost of a movie ticket nationwide was $9.11 in 2018. Taking a date out to a movie is going to set you back almost $20. A family of 4? There goes $40 and that’s before the whining begins of needing buttery popcorn and giant sodas. No thanks. Instead, head off to the local library and checkout classics such as Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, Caddy Shack and Gone with the Wind. Total cost: Free! Bonus: You can serve up the brussel sprouts and wilted lettuce in your fridge that everyone has been ignoring.

Savings: $20 – $40 for movie tickets plus treats minus zero for the cost of your borrowed movie = $20-40 in savings.

Miscellaneous Savings

  1. Going to your local museum on the “free day.” Average savings: $15 times 2 people = $30.00.
  2. Waiting for bananas to go on sale in the Safeway app. Normal price 69 cents per lb. Sale price 54 cents. Savings: 30 cents for 2 lbs of delicious bananas.
  3. Declining your best friends destination wedding invite. $750 for 2 plane tickets to destination. $150 a night times 2 at the special hotel venue. $200 for restaurants and drinks out. $120 for a 2-day car rental and gasoline. $150 for misc entertainment. Total savings: $1,520. Bonus if you don’t send them a gift as they specifically said on the invite: “No gifts are required or desired!”
  4. When staying at a hotel, don’t allow the maid service to come in until the last day of service. Save a minimum of $3 a day in tips.

Related: This one thing is costing you a $1 Million Dollars.

How do deal with your friends/family shaming you for being a Cheap Bastard?

  1. Rub it in that you’re retired and they aren’t.
  2. Offer to teach them your secrets so they can join the club.
  3. Publicly shame them for over-consuming and hurting the environment.
  4. Frequently invite them over for a potluck and then yell at them for never showing up.
  5. Offer to sell them cheap goods from your job at Amway and then yell at them for not supporting you. Now who is the Cheap Bastard?
  6. If everything else fails, block all their phone numbers and email addresses.

The information contained on this website is for entertainment purposes only and references only opinions of the author. Nothing contained within should be considered professional, financial, legal, tax, psychological, health, safety or investment advice. Seek advice from a duly licensed and/or registered professional that can help with your specific situation.

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